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The next day was indeed long, and often frustrating, for all parties involved. At the end of it all, Maximus and the others came away with no more trust for the Quadi, than they had, when negotiations began. As we saddled our horses, Maximus remarked quietly to me, that the only good that came out of it, really, was the knowledge that without the agreement of Athelgir and his Marcomanni, Degenradus would not dare stage a war with the legions. It had been made quite clear, as well, that the army would not tolerate any further large-party raids, again. They would be considered an act of war, and dealt with, accordingly. The Quadi could not hope to sustain battle alone, so they reluctantly agreed to the terms set out by Maximus and his replacement. I remember watching Athelgir throughout the entire discussion, and thinking how hard it must have been for him to be torn between wanting to support his countrymen, and knowing that further trouble would mean destruction of his own people. In the years to come, I would think on him often, and wish I had had the opportunity to seek his advice on matters.The forest and walls made a jagged and even black line against the canvas of brilliant pinks and blues the sun god painted the setting of the sun on, when we rode through the gates, and parted from our companions. From the moment we were out of Marcomanni land until now, we had kept an eye out for Quadi, but they held to their word, and we were unmolested, only very tired, and in some cases, still affected by the previous night's merriment. Maximus was slow to dismount, and dropped without ceremony onto his bed, when we got in. A hard wave of exhaustion visibly flowed through his body, and he yawned.
"Remind me not to do that to myself again, please?"
"What? Drink too much? Everyone else did, too. Or try to talk peace with the Quadi?"
"Both." My laughter was rewarded with the beginning of a tender, lop-sided smile. While he took off his armor, I took each piece from him, and piled it outside, so I could clean and polish it later. Leaving him, I made a quick sweep of the house, noting that Cassandra had done her usual wonderful job of keeping it neat and orderly. Maximus gave her a stipend every week, and she earned it. I teased her one night that it was a more honest way of making a living, than the gifts she was given by the men she saw regularly, in exchange for her body.
"At least I am smart enough to have one or two," she retorted.
"I think you can't count. There have been four different faces in your bed, besides your own."
"There could be at least two in yours, if you'd let me tell you how to invite them there." At the time, I knew one of the men she meant was Maximus, but I had dismissed the idea, still certain the general was not interested in me as a woman. Now I knew better, and was more open to Cassandra's offer to give me a few pointers.
She never touched Maximus' altar or his desk, leaving that for my hands only, as they were the most sacred things in his possession. While I straightened the numerous scrolls and quills, she materialized from nowhere. "How did it go?"
"There won't be trouble, for a while. The general thinks they'll wait until he is gone, before they start anything."
"What did you do, while they talked?"
"Listened and learned some things."
"I don't pretend to even understand or want to be involved in that." She smiled, and I grinned back.
"There are days, when I wish I didn't want to know, too. How is Justinius?"
"He's waiting for you to take his stitches out."
"Good. I'll be there soon. I need to get our horses put away and fed." I finished rolling the parchment in my hands, and walked out of Maximus' meeting room, to check in on him, before I went to look after his nephew. Cassandra excused herself, intending to give Justinius my message.
Maximus was still not asleep; instead, he lay on the bed coverings, staring up at the ceiling, one arm supporting his head as a pillow. "Should I mix something to help you sleep?"
"No, I won't need it. I would like you to make sure I am not disturbed, please." Patting the space on the edge of the mattress beside him, he beckoned me to him. He must have spent an eternity, patiently waiting for me to move my stiff and trembling body away from the solid frame of the doorway that held me up, and perch beside him. "What are your plans for the evening, while I'm unconscious?"
Looking down, I watched his large hand cover mine, burning me where he touched me, as though I were a spectator, rather than an actor in the play. "I am going to put my arms around you, and pillow you with my body, while I watch you sleep. And anyone who disturbs your rest will die a painful death," the thought came to me from the recesses of my quivering heart, but what my tongue took upon itself to say was, "Our horses need tending to, and so does your nephew." His chuckle shook the bed.
"All work and no play. So dull." In a continuation of the early morning's caress, his fingers traveled up my uniform clad arm and shoulder, to my face, where it outlined my features. "I think you should see the masseur and the baths. Let Cassandra play with your hair. Anything but responsibility."
"Truly? Are you appointing yourself my physician now? Master and commander is not enough for you?" At hearing his words thrown back at him, he laughed in earnest, and had some difficulty answering.
"I am telling you as such. Don't force me to beat you into submission." All the trepidation and fluttering of butterflies in my body was replaced by a giggling fit that doubled me over, pinioning Maximus' arm around my middle. He took advantage of it, pulling me over his chest, holding me fast, while his free hand picked up where its counterpart had left off, when our conversation had turned into teasing. "Obey me," he whispered, gravel thick with longing, as his fingers grazed the skin of my face. Though it was meant to be an addendum to his twist on my own directive of days previous, I did not miss the double meaning in the liquid stare, and the distinct sensation of his manhood hardening between us. This was not the besotted affection of a drunken man, but the very sober desire of one that wanted me to share his bed. For weeks, I had told myself that I would give in without question. Now the moment was at hand, and I vacillated between wanting to run and hide, and staying and letting him have what he wanted. The tremors returned, and I buried my face in the warm, dark safety of Maximus' shoulder.
"Boudicca. Look at me, Sweet." I did as I was bidden. "Do you want…." Whatever he was going to ask me was lost in a string of expletives, then, "I wish she would announce her presence, instead of sneaking about, the way she does!" Following the direction his attention had been drawn to, I noticed poor Cassandra standing pale and nervous, in the entrance to Maximus' bedchamber. Her glance shifted from Maximus to me, and she had to quickly remember what she was going to tell me. I was not looking forward to the barrage of questions she was going to bombard me with later, either. Maximus glared at her, and I sat up, asking after her business, when I thought she was on her way to Justinius.
"Catavignus is here to see you." She dropped her stance to Maximus, and was given a curt nod for her efforts. Noting my crestfallen state, she went on. "Do you want me to send him away?" She knew me well enough to guess what was on my mind; that I had no desire to spend my time with any other than the man who still held me, despite the interruption and growing curiosity of Cassandra.
"No. I will do it. But thank you." I smiled as best I could, which she acknowledged with a sympathetic grin, and hastily left.
"What did she say?" Sometimes, I forgot that Maximus had no grasp of Greek. It might have been a good time to lie, but I could not. Regardless of matters that I still kept hidden from him, because my past had little bearing on the present, untruth was abhorrent to me. Inwardly, I steeled myself, when I repeated Cassandra's message.
"He's so eager to study, he can't let you settle in, for the night?" There was accusation in the tilt of Maximus' chin and the cock of his eyebrow, but if it was directed at me was unclear. "Or is there something besides learning a language he already speaks well enough, on his mind?" His infiltrating gaze did not allow for evasion, nor did the hand that imprisoned my chin, keeping me from ducking my head.
When and how the use of our time had changed from education to an excuse to spend personal time together, I could not say then. In retrospect however, Catavignus filled my need to feel attractive, so I let him hold my hand, and sometimes, put his arm around me, while we looked up at the stars, and talked about what we wanted from our lives. Always, though, I found myself wondering what Maximus' hands and arms would feel like, were I with him, instead. Well, now I had an inkling, and Catavignus' attentions paled in comparison. Cassandra's words, about choosing men closer to one's own station in life had seemed to make sense, and Catavignus was a Celt. He worshipped my gods, spoke my language, and seemed to like me, a great deal, though I was his elder, by some five years. Neither did he own me, so we were on equal footing. But only when I was with Maximus, did my heart fly.
Although we were never escorted, it had been silly to assume that we went unobserved. It was even more foolish to think that word would not get back to Maximus. Under law, I had no right to take up with another man without his permission. Like a thief caught stealing something not hers, I averted my gaze, unable to meet the eyes that mere minutes before, had shone with passion and tenderness, and were now storm-dark with anger and hurt. I felt like a faithless whore.
But while I could not bear to look at him, I had to answer for my relationship with my student. "He just wants to spend time with me, before I am gone from here. He's my friend."
"Then I don't see a reason why it can't be spent here, do you?" Other than Catavignus would be less inclined to want to be intimate with me, under the watchful eye of my owner, I could see none, either. I shook my head, chastised.
"No. I'll tell him."
Maximus reached for my hand, as it strayed to the end of my braid. "Boudicca, my concern is for you. If you're happy with Catavignus, say so, and I'll step back. I just want to know that his intentions are honorable." Where he had touched me before, still tingled with the memory. No, it was not Catavignus I wanted to pass the evening with. The younger man did not make me dizzy, or cause my heart to try to rip its way out of my chest. Regardless, he did deserve to be told that I could no longer spend hours beyond lessons with him, when the only man who interested me was the one whose eyes held me prisoner to the soul behind them. It would be cruel to let it go any further than it had.
"Can I speak with him alone, for a while?" Maximus acquiesced, but his hand on my fingers remained. "I'm going to explain to him that I can no longer spend time with him, and arrange to find him a new tutor."
"I didn't say you couldn't continue your lessons, I just want you to do it under conditions where tongues are less likely to wag. He already knows you will have to give him over to someone else, when we leave."
"It's easier, this way."
"Is it? And have you both resent me, for being a controlling ogre? I think not. Just hold the lesson, and please keep your voices down. I need sleep." A pall hung over the room after he turned away from me and closed his eyes. I stayed until his breathing deepened, wanting so much to tell him the thoughts and feelings raging inside, but I did not have the courage to do it. Even if I had, no appropriate words came to mind. All I could do, was hope that he might still want me while I set about making things right for us, again.
Catavignus was visibly disappointed, when I relayed Maximus' request for us to remain within the walls of the general's quarters, while we conversed in Roman. He laughed in his self-deprecating way, when I gently extricated my hand from his.
"I forget you're not really free." He smiled, then settled back in the chair he occupied, rattling off the previous exercise' contents, while he took in the atrium's statue of Marcus Aurelius, the oil lamps supported by chains from the beams across the ceiling, and the heavy tapestries depicting wolves pursuing prey of assorted types. He rubbed the arms of the oak seat he took, marveling at the raised eagle heads that jutted out from the ends, and the feet carved to look like the claws of the bird. My own chair matched it, and I curled up in it, half-listening to his recitation, letting my mind wander elsewhere in the house.
"You're not listening to me," he said softly in Celtic, bringing me back to my senses. I grinned, slightly embarrassed.
"Forgive me. I'm very tired. And I still have things to do, before I can sleep. Can we start over, tomorrow?"
"He doesn't really want me here, does he?" He leaned forward, searching for what I would not let him see. It was easier to keep secrets from him, than from Maximus. He accepted things at face value, whereas the general searched through layers of meaning, to get to the heart of a matter.
"He doesn't want people gossiping. Problems arise from personal attachments in an army."
"But he does approve of us?"
How best to let him down? I had no experience in courtship. I wished I had paid attention to things going on around me, when I was younger, or to the giggling prostitutes owned by my second master, rather than keeping my mind on duty, and taking care of other more important matters. My head hurt, and I longed for one of my sleeping spells. "He said the choice is mine. But you know I am leaving for Eire."
He stared at the floor, thinking. "When will you be free?"
"I don't know. Probably not for at least a year, maybe more."
"If I promised to wait for you, until you can marry, would you say yes, and come back?" Gods, if I could have kept the sadness from him, and beat myself for causing it, I would have.
"Catavignus, I am twenty-and-seven winters. I don't know that I will ever bear another child. You have none, right now. There is no guarantee that I will be free, anytime soon, even if I was certain to produce offspring. Find a woman who is able, without any doubt, and available. Forget me."
"I won't. You mean more to me, than you know. At least give me the time you are here, please?"
"I will give you what I can. But it has to be in here. Or anywhere where we are with others. I am under orders. He's a good master, and I won't disobey him." He sighed, and nodded. We said goodnight, and I walked the horses to the stables. Eponina seemed to know how heavy my heart was, and nudged me gently. I wrapped my arms around her neck, and wept.
Cassandra fussed over my still swollen and red-rimmed eyes, when I was able to tear myself away from my mare, and get to the business of pulling out Justinius' stitches. I simply told her that I would talk with her later, when I had slept and felt better, and hugged her, which was something I rarely did, though she was a wonderful friend, and I did not pay as much attention to her as I should have. Justinius was fine, as I had known he would be. While I removed the pieces of horsehair that had served as thread, I pretended to ignore the looks he and Cassandra shot back and forth, at each other. If they had been behaving while he was still hurt, then they would make up for it, after I was gone, so I finished quickly, and took my leave. It was making me nauseous to know about it.
Maximus was still slumbering, when I lit the candles of his altar and filled his cup. Like he had me, I pulled a loose blanket over him, and hoped for him happy dreams, since I had been the cause of him going to sleep upset. It would have been easy to blame Cassandra for the fact that the general and I would sleep in separate beds yet another while, but in truth, it was my own insecurity that was the reason. For hours it seemed, though it was only until my body grew weary and oblivion threatened to claim me, I watched over him, and swore an oath to myself, that I have never broken, since.
